watch out perez, there's a new dramaqueen in town

our favorite person recently provoked me with the idea to use my blog as a forum for providing you all with the latest celebrity gossip. i pondered. i thought. i debated. i gave in. i love celebrity gossip. i know we are instructed not to gossip; however, the word "celebrity" is not mentioned in the said instruction, thus i deem this type of gossip to be appropriate. (note: you question my decisions, i'll question yours. don't try me). therefore, be prepared to read about the latest happenings, laced with cynical opinions and blatant call-outs. i fear no one.

happening #1:
chris brown and rihanna. you all know the deal. he hit her. why has still yet to be solidified, although there is a plethera of rumors you and i can both chose from. paris hilton booty-texted brown. rihanna caught an std from jay-z. regardless, you don't hit a girl...much less a well publicized famous one. i know i know, we've all heard "equal rights, equal fights" but you only believe that if you are a born wifebeater (read: one guy threatened to hit me and said "equal rights equal fights". thank you usmc for only producing the best). rihanna has now decided that she does not want to press any charges against brown for the attack. um, seriously? you may love him, but he obviously doesn't love you back. was he was trying to get some lovey dovey, some kiss kiss? yes. but brown did not have enough swag to solely get it, he had to beat it out of you. a police man described rihanna's face contusions as being so bad that she appeared to have been growing horns. rihanna, your attention please, he tried to beat you into the devil. the "man" is trash. he did this before, you forgave him, and he did it again. second chance is over. disturbia.

happening #2
jamal anderson. um, you played in the super bowl and the best thing you can choose to do on a saturday night is snort coke in the bathroom at peachtree tavern with a 20 year old BOY? get a life. or allow me to rephrase. get a better life. allow me to state the obvious fact that the bathroom at peachtree tavern is one of the grossest i have ever found myself in. not only did you snort coke off the back of the toilet, you probably snorted much worse things. i'm not getting into specifics, but you know what i'm referring to. first, you were at a bar frequented by georgia tech students. STUDENTS. any bar whose clientele is a group of college students, should not also be the same bar that nfl players choose to get high at. second, the boy that you were "snorting coke" with was not your real friend, anderson. he was young, impressionable, and had the chance to tell his friends (assuming he has some) or anyone that would listen, that he snorted coke with jamal anderson. assuming thats what you were doing in the bathroom with an underage boy...but then again...who am i to judge?

happening #3
angelina wannabe has octuplets. let me start out by stating the obvious - you're beyond crazy. first, you claim you have never had plastic surgery. um, yes you have. and you've had it multiple times. do you really think you have us fooled? because you don't. your face looks like it's made of plastic. oh, that's funny, it is. your face isn't real. deal with it. we all have. your turn now. secondly, you have 14 kids. i dont even need to comment on that. you claim you didn't do it for attention? good. because you now share the spotlight with 14 other selfish pikachus that will never let you sleep and will steal all your money so that you can never get plastic surgery again (ok, so i'm thankful for that one....you look like a monkey). but regardless, you're never getting attention in your house again, and no man is going to give you attention because no one wants to be a dad to 14 kids, unless they're black, but they prefer the 14 to be spread out with about 5 different moms. so here's to you, crazy woman, you just ruined your life. oh wait, you did that already when you began contorting your face. and then you ruined mine the first time i saw it.

really?!

I assume most have seen the snl skit entitled "really?!". i have decided to dedicate this post to said skit.

1.) Overt use of punctuation marks. really?! in no way are the phrases "hi!" and "hi!!!!!!" different. other than the fact that the latter draws more attention. you REALLY can't find another way to get attention that you must resort to using excess amounts of punctuation marks? really?! as you can see from this post, it's fine if you are using two different punctuation marks to use them simultaneously; however, there is never, i repeat NEVER a question which requires 5 question marks versus the standard one. this may be a shocker, but 1 question mark by it's lonesome actually implies that the phrase is indeed a question. there's actually no need for multiple ?'s. thus i challenge this. next time think - have i fully stated my point and used the appropriate punctuation? if so, proceed. really.

2.) Scarves in summer. really?! is there ever a time where a gust of wind comes so strong in the desert equivalent heat of summer that you require a scarf to keep warm? really. if that's the case, don't wear a scarf with a TANKTOP. a- you look like a moron. it's confusing. b - your neck is not cold. don't get me wrong, i will fully support most all fashion trends, so long as they are logical. a scarf's purpose is to keep one warm. newsflash - it's summer. you are warm. really.

3.) tim tebow haters. really?! he is a man amongst boys, a lion amongst cubs, a coco chanel amongst covergirls. he is a manimal. and i'm willing to bet, if he were your quarterback, you'd have no such problem showing mucho support for him. he's incredible. and gorgeous. and my boyfriend(kind of). regardless, he's legit. your problem with him is solely that he is not your quarterback. and you really can't come up with way to express that frustration other than hating him? really?! you look like a moron and i completely see through your jealousy. really.

4.) too fast singers. really?! there's no reason for you to insist on proving you know the lyrics to a song by singing one line ahead throughout the song's entirety. it's annoying. you really don't think i'll believe that you know the words? really?! surprisingly, i have much better things to do than worry about which songs you do and don't know all the words to. and, if you are constantly a line ahead, i'll bet you $1mil that i'm indeed not impressed by your knowledge but rather annoyed with your unrelenting approach for attention. really. i will tell my friends that i hate listening to music with you rather than you knew all the words to a "tough" (chances are it wasn't tough) song to memorize. really.

5.) group setting guitar players. really?! i came to hangout with my friends, not listen to your jam session. really. you probably think i'm very impressed by your skills, but i am not. at all. i'm just mad that you find it necessary to play over my conversation to insist that i listen to you rather than continue on with my evening. if you pull out a guitar and start playing, and if you do the unspeakable and start singing while you are playing, i will leave immediately. really. i didn't ask you to play nor do i want to hear you play. if i come to your concert maybe i'll be ok with it. otherwise, leave the guitar put. really.

6.) stereotyping to an extreme. really?! i went to dinner with some friends the other night and was discussing football with a boy. he didn't believe i knew what i was talking about thus he began to quiz me. i got every question right (granted he was quizzing me on patrick nix...don't doubt my p-nix knowledge). nonetheless, at the end he said "wow, i really didn't plan to come out tonight and have a good football conversation, much less with someone like you." really?! newsflash dude, i know my stuff. keep on stereotyping me. in fact, i'll race you in a timed multiplication test (flashback 3rd grade) and i'll beat you. really.

fan. it's short for fanatic.

i love college football. i have felt such an empty void since the clock struck twelve on january 8th. thus, for the past 14 days i have aimlessly yet intently searched for something to fill this deep hole. this hole that left my life meaningless and depressed. i have tried girly movies. anne hathaway's striptease in bride wars left me laughing out loud (insert appropriate computer abbreviation here) but it in no way compared to the feelings i had whilst watching michael crabtree's last minute td against texas. i have tried working. again a failure. i can only sell so many jars of midnight pomegranate body butter and tubes of japanese cherry blossom creamy body wash before i am reminded of cooper taylors forced fumble/rashaad reid recovered fumble against fsu with under a minute to go only to beat fsu for the first time. seeing tech fans rush a field will trump aromatherapy any day. i have tried shopping. i have been highly convinced my entire life that nothing can make a girl feel better than a shirt that fits just right, shoes that give you just the right amount of sex kitten confidence, or jeans that hug your butt just right. i found all of these things (you're not surprised...ALL jeans hug my butt just right) and alas...that 45-42 scoreboard flashes in my head (think on that crybaby). the best day of my life can never compare to a newfound hobby at the age of 24. the ship has sailed and i'm left sitting on the dock of the bay, otis redding.

therefore, my faithful following, i am left with no choice. and i am now forced to sit here, complete with void, until next season. but until then, know this, from now until february 4th i will visit rivals.com faithfully in hopes to know every detail possible in regards to this years signing day. and from then, i will search throughout the hive and ajc for spring practice dates and updates. raves and rants from each practice. injury reports and practice report cards will all be studied by mwa (pardon the phonetic spelling). and then, finally, i will catch a glimpse of a game. i will attend t-day as the biggest tech fan you've ever seen. might even wear a face tattoo. and i will watch other schools color vs. color game on css. and then finally, my official countdown to season will begin. laced with some hope, ie, nfl draft (one of top 5 days ever), summer camp, nfl preseason games, and finally, that day in august will come where i will suffer from insomnia. but a good kind of insomnia. i will not sleep due to extreme excitement. and then i will wake up, and college football 2009 will be in full gear. i will enjoy every minute just like any fan (short for fanatic). and then, 5 months later, i will repost this blog.

so here's to you lee corso, kirk herbstreit, chris fowler, and lets not forget desmond howard. thank you for making my saturday mornings complete. from now on, cinnamon roll oatmeal will suffice. with si in hand.